Ending the year yet again but feeling the same yet different – A LONG summary of MY 2020.

Posted in Personal by

Haven’t been here for a while and I can’t believe it’s already December. Oh how time flies.

2020… How do I describe this year and what this year has brought for me.

2020 – a tumultuous year full of happiness, tears, heartbreak, challenges and self realisation.

Maybe I should do a monthly breakdown of my year… Something that i don’t usually do but times are different now.

JANUARY

The start of yet another new year, one that no one expected. Here I was a changed person. Oh, how just a few months can change you. 2019 brought me things I’d never expect, as though telling me, “Hey Mary, this is your year to live a little.” As though everything would be ok. Little did I know what I was about to go through would either make me or break me.

FEBRUARY – MARCH

Two of the months in the year that brought me so much tears. Life put things in my life to teach me lessons so I can grow as a person. Just when you think you could finally be happy or happier but only to be brought into a web of pain. Some memories that should be locked away and forgotten. The pain.. oh the pain. The days spent crying my heart out. I remember vividly that I was crying while trying to finish my assignment, telling myself that I had that what happened to me coming and it was my fault. And I still feel it’s my fault, all me. No matter how I try, maybe sometimes it’ll never be enough? What I’m thankful for was that one decision I made, because that made me realise I’ve matured now and I’m not like before.

MARCH – APRIL

I don’t know how to describe 2 months. Basically everything was a blur. Having to relearn how to do things alone, to appreciate the little things done alone and realise that life still moves on whether I’m sad or not. Basically, the world still moves on even if you’re not. Oh the constant questioning of my self worth and as an individual myself. I think I’ve mentioned before, being an introvert is HARD. Not only that, bottling up everything because no one is going to care that much. Why? Some would think you’re self centred and only think about yourself, while they are some that will think you’re weak because your emotions overflow.

What made everything worse? The start of Singapore’s Circuit Breaker (CB) period due to the unprecedented situation presented by covid-19. You’d think most introverts would be ok staying at home, but no you’re wrong. This CB period drove me possibly insane as I felt I was chained and locked inside with no way out. Not that I don’t love my family, but having to spend everyday with your family knowing how the family dynamic and each person’s temperament is like makes you crazy. Could I even feel like I belong here? The amount of times I broke down along with the constant sadness that I felt each time I reflected on myself and everything that has going on with my life. Things will get better… And so they say. I believed in fate but I didn’t dare to pray for a miracle.

MAY

A further extension of the circuit breaker that we all had it coming. Who would have known that the pandemic would last so long and even get worse? It was only bearable due to the studying that I had to do for examinations that kept me occupied. But the moment that examinations were over, I had nothing left to keep me occupied. By now, I’d kinda gotten use to doing the things I used to before shit hit the fan. And I was finally able to say I was okay with being myself again. But did fates decide to give me another chance at life? One that I’d fight harder to keep because I’ve already lost it once? I don’t think we’re ever ready for things that life throws us. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to smile again after everything and not put façade. Even though I was doubtful, I just wanted to believe in this once more. Just one more time, but no more after this. I’ve gone through enough sadness and pain this year to last me a lifetime.

JUNE

The end of the torturous circuit breaker and the beginning of the “sequel” I least expected. The first thing that comes to my mind is why? But sometimes there’s no reason for things and I’ll just accept that. Was this an opportunity to “redeem” myself? I’d probably figure this out later.

Another first is that I bought my first ever gaming console in my life just to play animal crossing. Something I still don’t regret till now as it has helped me through the times when I almost went crazy and when being by myself becomes too much. I guess not everyone understands how a game like this can help others but that’s ok, each to their own. Money doesn’t buy happiness but maybe sometimes it does.

JULY

Yet another unpredictable month. And covid-19 is still around. What everyone thought would last a short while manage to survive the months. It doesn’t mean that an introvert like me doesn’t need any social interaction. In fact I do, but with people I’m comfortable with. The lack of ACTUAL social interaction has increasingly driven me to the point of insanity and it’s only calls along with animal crossing that has kept me somewhat relatively sane. I was okay. I was content, satisfied with what I have now. I wasn’t going to ask or wish for more because some things don’t come true no matter how hard you wish for them. I know I keep to myself a lot and it’s a difficult habit to break because I’m what I have all these while, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Sometimes it’s hard to even show through actions though I do try… Because who’s not afraid that one small action can lead to detrimental and unwanted consequences? What I’ve always never said out loud is that I’m scared. The profound sense of loss is something I cannot deal with again and I hope I don’t have to. Please, just this once.

AUGUST

A busy month filled with deadlines and so much thought. I’m still not used to the switch to online learning and teaching due to the Pandemic and I don’t think I ever will. Learning face to face is so much different from learning online and we’d all benefit from actual social interaction instead of coursemates pretending to “know” one another because of zoom breakout sessions. Even on zoom, lecturers still call me to answer questions (something that hasn’t changed), but the experience is different. It has been increasingly difficult to motivate myself to study when you’re not in a physical setting that provides you with the support and encouragement needed for you to feel that you can do it. Many struggle with online learning and not many people know how to cope with. Not the best person to even ask but I’d say deal with it how you can. We’re living in the new normal that is 2020. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough or its not good enough as I’m capable of more. I guess I shouldn’t ask for much because we’re all only human.

SEPTEMBER

First thing that comes to mind is that I’ve survived 8 months of the year and I’m on the 9th month. I almost forgot the feeling of trying to juggle everything in your life. What is balance when you’ve never had it for a long time?

When you get too used to some things, you often take them for granted. I know that there are many things and people that I cherish but people think I take them for granted. In fact, I do cherish every connection I make with people. Connections like these that are deeply embedded in my soul like they are part of me. Everytime I lose a connection with someone, it’s like something has been plucked out of my heart along the with memories. Now imagine how that feels when you slowly lose people as they outgrow you and you outgrow them, which is the part and parcel of life. When this happens, the first thing I’ll ask myself is if I’ve done something wrong? The self doubt starts to creep in, overwhelming your mind and emotions. I know there’s no answer even though I’m dying to know the reason why. I’m tired, just so tired. When will I come to a point where I stop losing people I love and/or care about ?

OCTOBER

24. One year older and one year wiser, or so they say. I’d like to think I’ve become wiser, but I can only say that I’ve become more sensitive to things as the years go by. I feel emotions and feelings more deeply. I still cry, although not as much. Sometimes I wish that I could stop becoming older, as each year brings me one step closer to the inevitable. I still care too much and end up making myself vulnerable. Maybe I’m the opposite of others who try to put themselves out there despite knowing they’ll get hurt, but I try to shy away because I don’t like that kind of pain. I SHOULD (by right) put myself out there, but I’m really really tired. How?

NOVEMBER

Another trying month. Feels like I’m becoming more and more jaded? I keep hoping and praying that I’m doing the right thing, saying the right stuff, and everything to not go back to square one. But somehow, it feels like it’s all futile because I don’t know whether everything is paying off. Lost in the world where you don’t know if your life is going in the direction that you want. Second guessing myself has become the norm. I’ve been feeling more contented these few months, BUT it’s all beginning to wear off. It’s not just about me, but everything that’s happening around me and related to me.

DECEMBER

I’m writing this slightly later than the beginning of the month and maybe it’s too early, but I think I already know what I want and need to say. (That is, if this rings true for December)

The year is almost over. 2020 has passed quicker that I would’ve liked. What a year to be alive really. Sounds a bit morbid but I would have like to not live a year like this but oh well. You know what I thought this year would be ? A year to try new things and do all the things I’ve thought about doing things that I’ve never had the courage to try (too many to list), new challenges and finally achieving some of my goals. But 2020 has been anything but that. Everything that’s happened in my life in 2020 till date has hit me hard. Yes, I’ve felt slightly happier and found some peace within myself, but somewhat slightly unfulfilled. The other day, I tried to hold back my tears while on the way home just because of one sentence that hit me hard. Sometimes I wonder if it’s that bad to be different, to be unique and as true to yourself as possible by not conforming to other people’s ideals or society’s standards. This year has taught me how to be a better and bigger person and slowly see things in different perspectives. There are more things to come to terms with, and unexpected life changes that force you to re-evaluate life and what you want and need. We can’t always have what we wish for. I’ve been trying so hard to “keep” people and things I want and need in my life although I know life doesn’t work that way. Even if I have to let go eventually, it’ll be without regrets. I’m tired of regretting every single thing when I know everything happens for a reason.

Everything happens for a reason, and I have to trust and believe that everything will be okay. Even if it isn’t okay, I’ll have to accept it (though it might kill me inside but then again). Life is just starting to come together, and there’s much more where that came from.

In less than a month it’ll be 2021.

I may not know what the future holds, but I’ll always hope that 2021 will be a better and more tolerable year.

x

The Forbidden Fruit: Why we don’t talk about Sex in Singapore

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Amber has too much to say

The decision to have sex in any context is a personal choice.Sex to some is something reserved for their most trusted spouse, while sex to others is simply a means to give and receive pleasure. Sex does not, and will never hold a level of significance that is universal to all and hence, it is unfair for the state and for the public to be treating it as such. The act of sex itself is an empty vessel, it holds the meaning and significance that we project onto it. 

Undeniably, as a conservative society, the idea that sex is sacred is rooted in religious belief and cultural upbringing. Nobody wants to talk about sex and those who are having sex are afraid to talk about it and you can’t blame them. If the concept of virginity and sex is constantly advertised as a “gift” or is valued as such…

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Never forget that you matter

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Hi 2020.

It has been a busy week.

I have had so many things to think about.

From life to school to relationship.

Have you ever thought of wanting everything in your life to work out?

Remember when you only had yourself?

And how many times you prayed for a miracle to happen so you won’t have to hurt anymore?

I think fate put plans in my way for a reason…

So I would know how to love and cherish everything in my life.

Learn to love myself and others, and learn not berate myself for not being good enough.

If it is meant to be, then it will be.

I won’t force anything because that isn’t me.

2020 is the year that I need to tell myself to unapologetically be myself, because life is too short to regret every single shit I’ve done.

Maybe it’s time for a lesser social media presence.

It’s time I care more about myself psychologically, physically and emotionally 🖤.

 

Be free. Love harder. Don’t take things too hard. Smile more. Know that it’s okay to cry because you can’t keep the pain and sorrow inside forever. Be happy.

x

Still can’t let the year end without my long thoughts

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Hi.

So seeing my friends’ post on instagram about the end of the decade, what occurred then and what they are grateful for made me want to write something. I didn’t want to end the year full of thoughts that can be bad for me mentally. If anyone is reading and I mentioned you here, thanks for being in my life x.

2010

The start of the decade but it wasn’t a great year. NEVER get into a relationship in Secondary school if you’re not ready. No one told me that then, so I’m recalling my foolish past self now. The time when the ex happened. Not going to go into detail but I probably regret everything.

I was only Secondary 2, trying to find my way in life. I couldn’t do much, but I tried. I hate any kind of attention, but I also wanted to fit in but obviously couldn’t. I wasn’t like the other popular girls with makeup, short skirts and socks. Hair all tied up, tying my tie properly, skirts at knee length and proper socks… Do I still need to go on further? Even the quietest and nicest people can get bullied.

I remember being ostracized and no one would help or talk to me.

I remember hearing the popular or “ahlian” girls talking shit about me that were untrue.

Don’t try to fit in if you can’t. What I choose to do was to focus my energy on my studies and my CCA. Even in CCA, those girls were there. They made it seem as though they were better at dancing and all, and my friends and I were not. It didn’t matter because I proved some of them wrong by doing better at my studies. Smh seriously, I really didn’t want to give a shit about their attitude. But this didn’t mean everything was good.

2011 – 2012

Secondary 3 and 4 were the better years. I found people who I know could truly be my friends, but there were also some backstabbers. So tired of that shit. Even now it happens. Thank you Siyun and Qianhui for still staying in my life till now and we’re still damn good friends.

You’ll never not see me without a book because I’d be reading anytime, during morning assembly, while waiting for the next class and even before CCA. I was so competitive in my studies and would always try to aim for top 10 in class. I loved History classes and Elective Literature classes so much. Chinese class was a joy too. What these 2 years have taught me is that friends come and go, never stop for people who don’t want to see you succeed or are just there to take advantage of you.

I worked as hard as I could, but sometime your best just isn’t good enough. I remember getting my ‘O’ level results from my form teacher, and she congratulated me because I got an A1 for my combined humanities (Social Studies + Elective Literature). It mattered, but it wasn’t all that mattered to me. As I walked away from the hall, I took a look at my entire result. I had passed Math & Science, but my History and D&T wasn’t good enough. I remember crying over my results at home as I wasn’t happy with it. Others would die for those results, even if it was 2 digits. Not me. I wanted 1 digit or nothing. That was still the generation where grades mattered, and mattered so much as it determined where I would go. But something else happened that day. I received a call or message from my friend saying that my ex wanted to give me something but I left. So I asked my friend to come by my house to pass it to me. Seriously, never talk anything from your ex. Anyway, things started looking up in the next 3 years.

2013 – 2016

Being an introvert is hard, especially when you’re extremely introverted. I hated Poly orientation because you have to mingle with people you don’t know and might not see again. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. That was how introverted I was (my poly friends would know). The OL couldn’t do anything with me because I was so so so quiet, and if I chose to talk, it was only a few words or a sentence. Don’t ever put me in social situations please, I want to die. I remembered the first impression I made to my good friend Yunxi, when she asked for my name in the lecture hall and I told her my name before turning back and keeping very quiet. Thankfully I am so much better than that now.

These 3 years were the best and worse years of my life because they were life changing. Thank you Irah for being there from the first day of school till now. And thank you to The Lunch People for welcoming us into the fold when shit went down. These years were and eye-opener because I realised who were the ones that were real and lost the fake ones. I lost a friend that I knew since Secondary school because she chose her then Poly friends over us and chose to distance herself from us ever since an incident. Thanks for making me realise that my introversion never improved because of your influence.

My course in Poly wasn’t my first choice, but I chose to stick with it because I didn’t know what else I could do. I’m so glad I sticked to it even though I only achieved average GPA (like the average student I am). If you could see me then and see me now… So thankful that I’m not as introverted as before because it could potentially ruin me. The most trying part of Poly was during internship. Internship was a tough time for me because I didn’t know whether I was doing anything right… Thank you Dawn for being there during internship because your class was beside mine. All the lesson plans and learning corner materials made… I always thought they weren’t good enough. I remember the time when I had to conduct a lesson with the children… I did that and I ran to the toilet to cry. I felt I didn’t do a good job. I even cried to Dawn because I was scared of what my mentor (Dr Karuna) would say. These experiences taught me that if I do my best, I can succeed (like probably during my KCare time lol). Thankful for everything that happened in my life then.

2017 – 2018

My lost years. Trying to discover what I wanted to do in life. I tried applying for NTU and NUS, but I got rejected. So I spent these two years working different jobs, waiting for that one year that I would be able to get into University. I knew I wanted to study English as I have always loved English, but I didn’t get a chance to pursue it until now…

During one of my part time jobs, I met a friend… But she suddenly stopped talking to me. Guess I wasn’t worth it after you’ve used me right?

In September 2017, I got my first full time job. I used that job to apply for uni in SUSS and I succeeded. Probably a milestone in my life. I met a lot of people through that job, some I thought would be friends even after I leave… Alas, everything happens for a reason. I’m thankful I met Cimin and Brenda through the job, with Brenda also being my brother’s ex-classmate in Secondary School (major lol, what are the chances). The friends I made there were great (thanks Suzanne, Rebecca, Rowena, Rinette, Pearl and Elouis for being so nice at work then), but of course there are some hidden black sheep. I am so glad to be out of there because I realise how a few of those black sheep were so fucked up and were so ready to suck up once I’ve left.

The start of 2018 marks the start of Uni. It was there I met Samsia, my very good friend in Uni now. Part time uni is very different from full time uni. It’s harder to make friends, so I’m very lucky to make a good one. Thank you Samsia, let’s work harder too next year! Don’t forget that there are some assholes in uni, especially stuck up guys who think they are smarter than everyone else. You think there would be none in Uni…. MIND YOU, THERE ARE A LOT LIKE THAT. To summarize, 2018 was a good year to start afresh.

2019

A year full of changes. I’ve changed jobs twice this year, and I’ve met good and bad people. I left my first full time job because I couldn’t stand the toxic environment there. I left my second full time job because the management was bad, the environment was not conducive at all, and my eczema was getting worse the longer I stayed there. Leaving was the best and worse decision, because I realise that people who were good to you may not be good to you now. Thank you Teacher Goh, Teacher Deanna and Christia for still staying in contact with me. Juggling a full time job and part time studying was no joke, especially when I took a full load of courses that semester. Imagine quitting early in the semester to dive into a new job. I remember burning so many midnight oils to finish my assignments, even to the extent of sleeping 1 hour before going for a full 8 hours shift at work. Those times were so tough on me, probably why my eczema chose to remind me to take a chill pill.

This was also a year I tried new things and met more people. Thank you to the people I’ve met this year, you’ve been very good to me and I’m very thankful. Hope to spend 2020 with all of you too.

 

It’s the last day of the year. Thank you to everyone who appeared and stayed in my life.

May 2020 be a good year so I’ll never have to look back on the shitty years and say “Wow, I’m glad I made it”.

x

Year End Reflection

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2019 has been nothing but a fucking roller coaster.

Why?

  1. I quit my job that I’ve had since mid 2017 in Feb 2019 because I couldn’t take the toxic environment anymore.
  2. I found a new job the following month, but I quit the job too in Nov 2019 because the management was fucked up and it was not helping me grow mentally
  3. I ventured out of my comfort zone, found what I wanted but might have lost it.

What a nice way to end 2019 with just 11 days left huh?

For anyone reading this, here’s a piece of advice from me to you.

  • Don’t be like me.
  • Don’t settle for less.
  • Have a more solid hope and dream. Don’t make up fantasies because those things don’t last.
  • Work harder for your goals because no one is going to stop and wait for you. They are going to be moving faster that you can even think.
  • It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
  • It’s okay if you’re an introvert. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. BE YOU. Don’t try to be someone you aren’t.
  • Don’t be afraid to try. You’ll never know whether you’ll succeed or not. Fly high my dear, perhaps you’ll reach the sky one day.
  • Go out more. It doesn’t matter if it’s alone or with someone. Go where you like. Find your inner peace and embrace it.
  • Be yourself. Don’t change yourself for someone who isn’t going to care. Don’t let yourself be disappointed with someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you.
  • Embrace who you really are and don’t lose yourself in the crowd. Remember to embrace the essence of who you really are.
  • Don’t force things. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Let fates do their work and pray that everything will work out in the end.

Bye 2019.

2020, I hope you’ll be good to me as I will be to you.

x

New beginnings

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What a cliche way to start this post.

I have no idea whether anyone is reading my blog anymore…

If so, hello to you!

This is my first time in 8 months since I’ve been back at this space…

It seems like I write everytime something big happens.

Well, that’s just how it is.

Just a life update…

I quit my job.

You may be wondering, “Huh?! Again?”

I feel like I’m at this stage where I’m still exploring what I want to do in life, and that job wasn’t it.

It was a nice yet harrowing year and a half of the job.

It’s the feeling of trying so hard yet your efforts never get recognised.

Where everyone thinks you can, but deep down I know I can’t do this anymore.

Some ask me why I made this decision when I definitely need some income while I’m studying…

When I was working, I never did put myself first.

It was all about earning enough money so I won’t have to scrimp and save, and worry about how I’m going to live some part of my life for the couple of months.

It was never about trying to be semi-independent, while I have been since I was 14.

I was trying to prove to myself that I have a purpose in life, the purpose I’ve trying to find since I was 13.

However, all that didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would.

Have you ever been in such a toxic environment that you never thought you would get out of?

Here is me telling you that I got out of a toxic environment, and so can you.

It was too much for me mentally and emotionally that I didn’t feel like myself anymore…

I wasn’t paid enough for what I do and the effort I put in.

Leaving was the best decision I made.

I might not have an income right now, but having time to myself and doing things at my own time and pace really helped me.

Although I’m not completely satisfied, I’m okay with where I am right now.

I can put myself first and always check to see if I’m doing okay.

I can progress and grow as my own person, while finding another job that would fit what I want to do.

Some people may not like me, but I’m not here to please them.

I realised that I really need to get rid of toxic people in my life, those who think that they are better than me and I’ll be never as good.

I am my own person.

Someday I will find my own path in life.

The first step to loving others is to learn to love yourself.

Self care and self love is important, because at the end of the day, I know that I matter deep down inside.

Here’s to pursuing happiness and love that I’ve always dreamed of ❤️.

x

Wasted

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It’s been 10 months.

Time flies.

Yet happiness is still so out of reach.

When life spirals out of your control, and you’re powerless to stop fate from unfolding all the events in your life.

What if… what you once had so dear to you… but now it’s all lost.

Slowly fading from your life.

The reasons consume your thoughts, even taking over your mind.

You never thought it’d be like this one day.

Wasn’t friendship meant to last forever?

Forever didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Someone was was born with a silver spoon, not knowing how hard was it for a person who has worked had almost all their life for anything and everything.

Who didn’t have much of a childhood because she had to grow up quickly in this society.

Learn how to be independent, self sufficient, smart enough not to be duped by the world.

No one told her it was going to be difficult, or that there would be a lot of obstacles on the way.

No one told her she’d lost people who love her, who claimed they were there for her, only to leave and watch her fall.

Crumble into pieces…

Dissolve into nothingness…

Never to be seen again because she doesn’t exist anymore.

x