So seeing my friends’ post on instagram about the end of the decade, what occurred then and what they are grateful for made me want to write something. I didn’t want to end the year full of thoughts that can be bad for me mentally. If anyone is reading and I mentioned you here, thanks for being in my life x.
The start of the decade but it wasn’t a great year. NEVER get into a relationship in Secondary school if you’re not ready. No one told me that then, so I’m recalling my foolish past self now. The time when the ex happened. Not going to go into detail but I probably regret everything.
I was only Secondary 2, trying to find my way in life. I couldn’t do much, but I tried. I hate any kind of attention, but I also wanted to fit in but obviously couldn’t. I wasn’t like the other popular girls with makeup, short skirts and socks. Hair all tied up, tying my tie properly, skirts at knee length and proper socks… Do I still need to go on further? Even the quietest and nicest people can get bullied.
I remember being ostracized and no one would help or talk to me.
I remember hearing the popular or “ahlian” girls talking shit about me that were untrue.
Don’t try to fit in if you can’t. What I choose to do was to focus my energy on my studies and my CCA. Even in CCA, those girls were there. They made it seem as though they were better at dancing and all, and my friends and I were not. It didn’t matter because I proved some of them wrong by doing better at my studies. Smh seriously, I really didn’t want to give a shit about their attitude. But this didn’t mean everything was good.
2011 – 2012
Secondary 3 and 4 were the better years. I found people who I know could truly be my friends, but there were also some backstabbers. So tired of that shit. Even now it happens. Thank you Siyun and Qianhui for still staying in my life till now and we’re still damn good friends.
You’ll never not see me without a book because I’d be reading anytime, during morning assembly, while waiting for the next class and even before CCA. I was so competitive in my studies and would always try to aim for top 10 in class. I loved History classes and Elective Literature classes so much. Chinese class was a joy too. What these 2 years have taught me is that friends come and go, never stop for people who don’t want to see you succeed or are just there to take advantage of you.
I worked as hard as I could, but sometime your best just isn’t good enough. I remember getting my ‘O’ level results from my form teacher, and she congratulated me because I got an A1 for my combined humanities (Social Studies + Elective Literature). It mattered, but it wasn’t all that mattered to me. As I walked away from the hall, I took a look at my entire result. I had passed Math & Science, but my History and D&T wasn’t good enough. I remember crying over my results at home as I wasn’t happy with it. Others would die for those results, even if it was 2 digits. Not me. I wanted 1 digit or nothing. That was still the generation where grades mattered, and mattered so much as it determined where I would go. But something else happened that day. I received a call or message from my friend saying that my ex wanted to give me something but I left. So I asked my friend to come by my house to pass it to me. Seriously, never talk anything from your ex. Anyway, things started looking up in the next 3 years.
2013 – 2016
Being an introvert is hard, especially when you’re extremely introverted. I hated Poly orientation because you have to mingle with people you don’t know and might not see again. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. That was how introverted I was (my poly friends would know). The OL couldn’t do anything with me because I was so so so quiet, and if I chose to talk, it was only a few words or a sentence. Don’t ever put me in social situations please, I want to die. I remembered the first impression I made to my good friend Yunxi, when she asked for my name in the lecture hall and I told her my name before turning back and keeping very quiet. Thankfully I am so much better than that now.
These 3 years were the best and worse years of my life because they were life changing. Thank you Irah for being there from the first day of school till now. And thank you to The Lunch People for welcoming us into the fold when shit went down. These years were and eye-opener because I realised who were the ones that were real and lost the fake ones. I lost a friend that I knew since Secondary school because she chose her then Poly friends over us and chose to distance herself from us ever since an incident. Thanks for making me realise that my introversion never improved because of your influence.
My course in Poly wasn’t my first choice, but I chose to stick with it because I didn’t know what else I could do. I’m so glad I sticked to it even though I only achieved average GPA (like the average student I am). If you could see me then and see me now… So thankful that I’m not as introverted as before because it could potentially ruin me. The most trying part of Poly was during internship. Internship was a tough time for me because I didn’t know whether I was doing anything right… Thank you Dawn for being there during internship because your class was beside mine. All the lesson plans and learning corner materials made… I always thought they weren’t good enough. I remember the time when I had to conduct a lesson with the children… I did that and I ran to the toilet to cry. I felt I didn’t do a good job. I even cried to Dawn because I was scared of what my mentor (Dr Karuna) would say. These experiences taught me that if I do my best, I can succeed (like probably during my KCare time lol). Thankful for everything that happened in my life then.
2017 – 2018
My lost years. Trying to discover what I wanted to do in life. I tried applying for NTU and NUS, but I got rejected. So I spent these two years working different jobs, waiting for that one year that I would be able to get into University. I knew I wanted to study English as I have always loved English, but I didn’t get a chance to pursue it until now…
During one of my part time jobs, I met a friend… But she suddenly stopped talking to me. Guess I wasn’t worth it after you’ve used me right?
In September 2017, I got my first full time job. I used that job to apply for uni in SUSS and I succeeded. Probably a milestone in my life. I met a lot of people through that job, some I thought would be friends even after I leave… Alas, everything happens for a reason. I’m thankful I met Cimin and Brenda through the job, with Brenda also being my brother’s ex-classmate in Secondary School (major lol, what are the chances). The friends I made there were great (thanks Suzanne, Rebecca, Rowena, Rinette, Pearl and Elouis for being so nice at work then), but of course there are some hidden black sheep. I am so glad to be out of there because I realise how a few of those black sheep were so fucked up and were so ready to suck up once I’ve left.
The start of 2018 marks the start of Uni. It was there I met Samsia, my very good friend in Uni now. Part time uni is very different from full time uni. It’s harder to make friends, so I’m very lucky to make a good one. Thank you Samsia, let’s work harder too next year! Don’t forget that there are some assholes in uni, especially stuck up guys who think they are smarter than everyone else. You think there would be none in Uni…. MIND YOU, THERE ARE A LOT LIKE THAT. To summarize, 2018 was a good year to start afresh.
A year full of changes. I’ve changed jobs twice this year, and I’ve met good and bad people. I left my first full time job because I couldn’t stand the toxic environment there. I left my second full time job because the management was bad, the environment was not conducive at all, and my eczema was getting worse the longer I stayed there. Leaving was the best and worse decision, because I realise that people who were good to you may not be good to you now. Thank you Teacher Goh, Teacher Deanna and Christia for still staying in contact with me. Juggling a full time job and part time studying was no joke, especially when I took a full load of courses that semester. Imagine quitting early in the semester to dive into a new job. I remember burning so many midnight oils to finish my assignments, even to the extent of sleeping 1 hour before going for a full 8 hours shift at work. Those times were so tough on me, probably why my eczema chose to remind me to take a chill pill.
This was also a year I tried new things and met more people. Thank you to the people I’ve met this year, you’ve been very good to me and I’m very thankful. Hope to spend 2020 with all of you too.
It’s the last day of the year. Thank you to everyone who appeared and stayed in my life.
May 2020 be a good year so I’ll never have to look back on the shitty years and say “Wow, I’m glad I made it”.