New beginnings

What a cliche way to start this post.

I have no idea whether anyone is reading my blog anymore…

If so, hello to you!

This is my first time in 8 months since I’ve been back at this space…

It seems like I write everytime something big happens.

Well, that’s just how it is.

Just a life update…

I quit my job.

You may be wondering, “Huh?! Again?”

I feel like I’m at this stage where I’m still exploring what I want to do in life, and that job wasn’t it.

It was a nice yet harrowing year and a half of the job.

It’s the feeling of trying so hard yet your efforts never get recognised.

Where everyone thinks you can, but deep down I know I can’t do this anymore.

Some ask me why I made this decision when I definitely need some income while I’m studying…

When I was working, I never did put myself first.

It was all about earning enough money so I won’t have to scrimp and save, and worry about how I’m going to live some part of my life for the couple of months.

It was never about trying to be semi-independent, while I have been since I was 14.

I was trying to prove to myself that I have a purpose in life, the purpose I’ve trying to find since I was 13.

However, all that didn’t make me as happy as I thought it would.

Have you ever been in such a toxic environment that you never thought you would get out of?

Here is me telling you that I got out of a toxic environment, and so can you.

It was too much for me mentally and emotionally that I didn’t feel like myself anymore…

I wasn’t paid enough for what I do and the effort I put in.

Leaving was the best decision I made.

I might not have an income right now, but having time to myself and doing things at my own time and pace really helped me.

Although I’m not completely satisfied, I’m okay with where I am right now.

I can put myself first and always check to see if I’m doing okay.

I can progress and grow as my own person, while finding another job that would fit what I want to do.

Some people may not like me, but I’m not here to please them.

I realised that I really need to get rid of toxic people in my life, those who think that they are better than me and I’ll be never as good.

I am my own person.

Someday I will find my own path in life.

The first step to loving others is to learn to love yourself.

Self care and self love is important, because at the end of the day, I know that I matter deep down inside.

Here’s to pursuing happiness and love that I’ve always dreamed of ❤️.

x

Wasted

It’s been 10 months.

Time flies.

Yet happiness is still so out of reach.

When life spirals out of your control, and you’re powerless to stop fate from unfolding all the events in your life.

What if… what you once had so dear to you… but now it’s all lost.

Slowly fading from your life.

The reasons consume your thoughts, even taking over your mind.

You never thought it’d be like this one day.

Wasn’t friendship meant to last forever?

Forever didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Someone was was born with a silver spoon, not knowing how hard was it for a person who has worked had almost all their life for anything and everything.

Who didn’t have much of a childhood because she had to grow up quickly in this society.

Learn how to be independent, self sufficient, smart enough not to be duped by the world.

No one told her it was going to be difficult, or that there would be a lot of obstacles on the way.

No one told her she’d lost people who love her, who claimed they were there for her, only to leave and watch her fall.

Crumble into pieces…

Dissolve into nothingness…

Never to be seen again because she doesn’t exist anymore.

x

Happy birthday

You’ll probably never see this…

But Happy Birthday. Wishing you a blessed 21st.

I guess I wasn’t good enough.

Because everything I’ve shared with you, you still left me.

That friend that promised to be there when I needed her.

Sorry I wasn’t good enough to be your friend anymore.

Knowing where I stand… I wish you all the happiness in your life.

 

May I not regret ever baring my entire soul to you, hoping you’d understand… 

Only for you to leave me like everyone else did.

x

Picking up the pieces

Don’t let anything or anyone stop you from doing what you want to do.

Do things that you’ve always want to do, and remember to do it because it makes you happy.

Live for yourself, don’t live for the sake of others.

Don’t live someone else’s life for them.

Why?

Because it’ll end up making you forget why you held on for so long.

x

Life changes

On 13th January 2018…

I’ve always had Long hair, and I could never bear to cut it short… A few days ago, I suddenly decided that I should get my hair cut. I don’t think anyone expected me to cut it short all at once, seeing how much I loved my hair.

An impromptu decision on my part, yet surprisingly, this time I didn’t regret it. The last time my hair was the shortest was in 2014 and I couldn’t wait to grow it back.

In the past few months, I went through hell and back, from friendships to dealing with the stresses of life. Always feeling so bounded by everything. It was after I cut my hair short that I feel like I was liberated from all the fucked up situations that was happening in my life. Then I thought “it’s my time to change, but this time it’s for myself.”

I’ve always cared about what people thought about me, and always thinking that everything was my fault when people stop talking to me. Then I realised it wasn’t me, it wasn’t my fault… Some things were beyond my control. I tried so hard to keep a friendship that I thought would last forever, but the moment she stopped talking me I started doubting myself.

Everyone has their own demons, but I couldn’t be the one to help take away or conquer some of hers.

Then life happened. Everything changed. The saddest things was, I was the LAST one to know everything, that she had someone of her own now, and was going to get married next year. We used to share things with one another. Now I don’t know what I should believe anymore. Who knows?

Today, I feel better about myself. Letting go of some of the friendship problems that plagued me. As I saw my hair slowly being cut away, it felt as though I was cutting my past memories that had been with me for the past 4 years and starting afresh.

I’ve learnt to be grateful about the things and opportunities given, because these don’t come easy. I’ve learnt to watch the spilled milk remain that way and try not to let myself get upset because it has happened and it is over. I might not be the best, smartest, prettiest or anything else, but today, I’m a better version of myself.

Because I decided to take the plunge to make a change for myself.

Fast forward to today…

A new year, a new beginning. Gone were the days where I had some kind of social life, here is the beginning of making a life for myself and trying to achieve my goals.

It has been 6 months since I’ve officially entered the workforce. 3 months since hell started. I thought I was okay with everything, and that I could handle it all. So much progress made, yet it took so little time to fall apart.

I was happy that I managed to secure a job and secure a chance to further my own education. But now, it all seems so far away… Working 5 days a week and studying 1-2 days a week was a challenge, especially when the 5 days are Long as heck. January was the start of the changes at work. What used to be enjoyable was now becoming a burden and a chore.

Only 1 term into university life… And yet it took that 1 term to destroy any semblance of will I had in me.

Is it a sign to reconsider all my life decisions? Or slowly let life break me?

x

Emotional conflict

It’s December.

Life was supposed to get better.

However, these three months have been super tough on me (emotionally, mentally & physically).

Everyday, I ask myself…

“What did I do… to deserve or suffer such injustice? Being subjected to situations that are beyond my control. To feel upset, and to feel like it’s all my fault… Even when things were already spiraling out of control. What could I have done to salvage everything?”

We live alone and we die alone (not meant to be morbid or anything).

So many empty promises to just console my naive heart again and again.

And I believed.

The main question to myself is….

“Should I have believed?”

x

 

Brooding 

A start of another new month, yet I still don’t know what to feel about the life.

The past months has been full of ups and down. 

My birthday happened, life happened, shit went down and friendships were tipping off the balanced scale.

Not much to be thankful about apart from the fact that I’ve lived another year while some people don’t even get a chance to.

I thought I had passed the stage where I would let people walk over me and take advantage of my kindness. Boy was I wrong about every single fucking thing. I don’t even know who or what I can trust anymore.

Who knows if time will change anything. Are we the master of our universe?

Maybe I’ll just let life unfold after all. 

x