Haven’t been here for a while and I can’t believe it’s already December. Oh how time flies.
2020… How do I describe this year and what this year has brought for me.
2020 – a tumultuous year full of happiness, tears, heartbreak, challenges and self realisation.
Maybe I should do a monthly breakdown of my year… Something that i don’t usually do but times are different now.
JANUARY
The start of yet another new year, one that no one expected. Here I was a changed person. Oh, how just a few months can change you. 2019 brought me things I’d never expect, as though telling me, “Hey Mary, this is your year to live a little.” As though everything would be ok. Little did I know what I was about to go through would either make me or break me.
FEBRUARY – MARCH
Two of the months in the year that brought me so much tears. Life put things in my life to teach me lessons so I can grow as a person. Just when you think you could finally be happy or happier but only to be brought into a web of pain. Some memories that should be locked away and forgotten. The pain.. oh the pain. The days spent crying my heart out. I remember vividly that I was crying while trying to finish my assignment, telling myself that I had that what happened to me coming and it was my fault. And I still feel it’s my fault, all me. No matter how I try, maybe sometimes it’ll never be enough? What I’m thankful for was that one decision I made, because that made me realise I’ve matured now and I’m not like before.
MARCH – APRIL
I don’t know how to describe 2 months. Basically everything was a blur. Having to relearn how to do things alone, to appreciate the little things done alone and realise that life still moves on whether I’m sad or not. Basically, the world still moves on even if you’re not. Oh the constant questioning of my self worth and as an individual myself. I think I’ve mentioned before, being an introvert is HARD. Not only that, bottling up everything because no one is going to care that much. Why? Some would think you’re self centred and only think about yourself, while they are some that will think you’re weak because your emotions overflow.
What made everything worse? The start of Singapore’s Circuit Breaker (CB) period due to the unprecedented situation presented by covid-19. You’d think most introverts would be ok staying at home, but no you’re wrong. This CB period drove me possibly insane as I felt I was chained and locked inside with no way out. Not that I don’t love my family, but having to spend everyday with your family knowing how the family dynamic and each person’s temperament is like makes you crazy. Could I even feel like I belong here? The amount of times I broke down along with the constant sadness that I felt each time I reflected on myself and everything that has going on with my life. Things will get better… And so they say. I believed in fate but I didn’t dare to pray for a miracle.
MAY
A further extension of the circuit breaker that we all had it coming. Who would have known that the pandemic would last so long and even get worse? It was only bearable due to the studying that I had to do for examinations that kept me occupied. But the moment that examinations were over, I had nothing left to keep me occupied. By now, I’d kinda gotten use to doing the things I used to before shit hit the fan. And I was finally able to say I was okay with being myself again. But did fates decide to give me another chance at life? One that I’d fight harder to keep because I’ve already lost it once? I don’t think we’re ever ready for things that life throws us. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to smile again after everything and not put façade. Even though I was doubtful, I just wanted to believe in this once more. Just one more time, but no more after this. I’ve gone through enough sadness and pain this year to last me a lifetime.
JUNE
The end of the torturous circuit breaker and the beginning of the “sequel” I least expected. The first thing that comes to my mind is why? But sometimes there’s no reason for things and I’ll just accept that. Was this an opportunity to “redeem” myself? I’d probably figure this out later.
Another first is that I bought my first ever gaming console in my life just to play animal crossing. Something I still don’t regret till now as it has helped me through the times when I almost went crazy and when being by myself becomes too much. I guess not everyone understands how a game like this can help others but that’s ok, each to their own. Money doesn’t buy happiness but maybe sometimes it does.
JULY
Yet another unpredictable month. And covid-19 is still around. What everyone thought would last a short while manage to survive the months. It doesn’t mean that an introvert like me doesn’t need any social interaction. In fact I do, but with people I’m comfortable with. The lack of ACTUAL social interaction has increasingly driven me to the point of insanity and it’s only calls along with animal crossing that has kept me somewhat relatively sane. I was okay. I was content, satisfied with what I have now. I wasn’t going to ask or wish for more because some things don’t come true no matter how hard you wish for them. I know I keep to myself a lot and it’s a difficult habit to break because I’m what I have all these while, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Sometimes it’s hard to even show through actions though I do try… Because who’s not afraid that one small action can lead to detrimental and unwanted consequences? What I’ve always never said out loud is that I’m scared. The profound sense of loss is something I cannot deal with again and I hope I don’t have to. Please, just this once.
AUGUST
A busy month filled with deadlines and so much thought. I’m still not used to the switch to online learning and teaching due to the Pandemic and I don’t think I ever will. Learning face to face is so much different from learning online and we’d all benefit from actual social interaction instead of coursemates pretending to “know” one another because of zoom breakout sessions. Even on zoom, lecturers still call me to answer questions (something that hasn’t changed), but the experience is different. It has been increasingly difficult to motivate myself to study when you’re not in a physical setting that provides you with the support and encouragement needed for you to feel that you can do it. Many struggle with online learning and not many people know how to cope with. Not the best person to even ask but I’d say deal with it how you can. We’re living in the new normal that is 2020. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough or its not good enough as I’m capable of more. I guess I shouldn’t ask for much because we’re all only human.
SEPTEMBER
First thing that comes to mind is that I’ve survived 8 months of the year and I’m on the 9th month. I almost forgot the feeling of trying to juggle everything in your life. What is balance when you’ve never had it for a long time?
When you get too used to some things, you often take them for granted. I know that there are many things and people that I cherish but people think I take them for granted. In fact, I do cherish every connection I make with people. Connections like these that are deeply embedded in my soul like they are part of me. Everytime I lose a connection with someone, it’s like something has been plucked out of my heart along the with memories. Now imagine how that feels when you slowly lose people as they outgrow you and you outgrow them, which is the part and parcel of life. When this happens, the first thing I’ll ask myself is if I’ve done something wrong? The self doubt starts to creep in, overwhelming your mind and emotions. I know there’s no answer even though I’m dying to know the reason why. I’m tired, just so tired. When will I come to a point where I stop losing people I love and/or care about ?
OCTOBER
24. One year older and one year wiser, or so they say. I’d like to think I’ve become wiser, but I can only say that I’ve become more sensitive to things as the years go by. I feel emotions and feelings more deeply. I still cry, although not as much. Sometimes I wish that I could stop becoming older, as each year brings me one step closer to the inevitable. I still care too much and end up making myself vulnerable. Maybe I’m the opposite of others who try to put themselves out there despite knowing they’ll get hurt, but I try to shy away because I don’t like that kind of pain. I SHOULD (by right) put myself out there, but I’m really really tired. How?
NOVEMBER
Another trying month. Feels like I’m becoming more and more jaded? I keep hoping and praying that I’m doing the right thing, saying the right stuff, and everything to not go back to square one. But somehow, it feels like it’s all futile because I don’t know whether everything is paying off. Lost in the world where you don’t know if your life is going in the direction that you want. Second guessing myself has become the norm. I’ve been feeling more contented these few months, BUT it’s all beginning to wear off. It’s not just about me, but everything that’s happening around me and related to me.
DECEMBER
I’m writing this slightly later than the beginning of the month and maybe it’s too early, but I think I already know what I want and need to say. (That is, if this rings true for December)
The year is almost over. 2020 has passed quicker that I would’ve liked. What a year to be alive really. Sounds a bit morbid but I would have like to not live a year like this but oh well. You know what I thought this year would be ? A year to try new things and do all the things I’ve thought about doing things that I’ve never had the courage to try (too many to list), new challenges and finally achieving some of my goals. But 2020 has been anything but that. Everything that’s happened in my life in 2020 till date has hit me hard. Yes, I’ve felt slightly happier and found some peace within myself, but somewhat slightly unfulfilled. The other day, I tried to hold back my tears while on the way home just because of one sentence that hit me hard. Sometimes I wonder if it’s that bad to be different, to be unique and as true to yourself as possible by not conforming to other people’s ideals or society’s standards. This year has taught me how to be a better and bigger person and slowly see things in different perspectives. There are more things to come to terms with, and unexpected life changes that force you to re-evaluate life and what you want and need. We can’t always have what we wish for. I’ve been trying so hard to “keep” people and things I want and need in my life although I know life doesn’t work that way. Even if I have to let go eventually, it’ll be without regrets. I’m tired of regretting every single thing when I know everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason, and I have to trust and believe that everything will be okay. Even if it isn’t okay, I’ll have to accept it (though it might kill me inside but then again). Life is just starting to come together, and there’s much more where that came from.
In less than a month it’ll be 2021.
I may not know what the future holds, but I’ll always hope that 2021 will be a better and more tolerable year.
x
Nothing but a true reflection of myself ♥ 